When I found out I was pregnant, I was shellshocked. Not shocked by the pregnancy but shocked by the reality of the situation. I was in my second year of university, dealing with very many personal issues and certain I didn't want children. I was sure I was pregnant before I did the test and even more certain that the confirmation would be too much for me to handle. So much so, actually, that I did the test right before my therapy session so I could immediately unload on my therapist.
One little line, one small marking that completely changed my life, my identity, my purpose. We often hear moms saying that they don't want to be boxed in as 'just a mom', and as one such mom, I fully agree. But here's the fact: 'mom' is so big a role, so encompassing a responsibility, that it in so many ways overshadow any other label we previously had. Honestly, for a while, it felt as much like a diagnosis as it did a title. I couldn't simply go to the pharmacist and request OTC drugs- I had to introduce myself as 'pregnant' or 'breastfeeding'. I couldn't just go hang out with friends and order any random drink or engage in any activity I wished to.
And boy, was that quite the transition. I went from devastated to disappoint to angry so rapidly I had emotional whiplash. And all this time I still had to be juggling my mental illness, the insane effects pregnancy was having on my emotional, mental and physical state, fighting with my course director to be reallowed into the programme and trying to accept that this was my new reality.
I would wake up each morning and feel myself fall into the rabbit hole of realization. I was pregnant. I was about to be responsible for an innocent, defenceless human. Me. In my wrecked state. It took me months before I was able to tell anyone - including my boyfriend. For the entire first trimester, I isolated myself. I went to classes and home and stayed locked away in my room. As the months passed so did my initial feelings and soon I was so used to the idea, I started making plans, getting excited, growing attached. I could feel myself becoming a mother, owning my new role, looking forward to all that it would bring. I finally shared it with my family and the overwhelming support they gave, the joy the news brought reminded me that I wasn't alone in this - I could do this. And 3 years later - I wouldn't have it any other. I'm a mom, a proud one. And my cup is full 😃
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